I live in Michigan’s 6th congressional district, which covers the southwestern part of the state. It has gone through a good amount of gerrymandering considering it used to be the 4th but the Republican congress wanted to split up Kalamazoo and Battle Creek because they’re the only areas in SW Michigan with large black populations and politics, if you didn’t know, is racist as fuck. Whatever my area has been represented by a Republican since the 1930s. It is safe to assume that whoever wins the Republican primary will win the general election. These are the two contenders to represent me in congress:
In this corner, the challenger: Jack “The Poor Man’s Bachmann” Hoogendyk.
I have the privilege of knowing Jack personally by being close personal friends with his in-laws who would NEVER vote for him in their life. The only person I knew who openly supported him was this weird home-schooled kid who I think belonged to the same religion as Kenneth Parcell in 30 Rock that I had a community college class with. Before getting into politics, he was an executive director for one of those companies that talks women out of getting abortions. He ran for the state house as one of those single-issues candidates that we love so much. His platform? Banning abortion. If you don’t hate him already: during his tenure he twice ranked as the most conservative representative in a state that is known for its ultra-right wing gun-loving religious zealotry. While in office, he railed against affirmative action, women’s rights, vaccinations, and wanted to make English the official language of the state.
Unfortunately for Jack his political career has not seen much success when he got too big for his britches and went for a higher office. He mulled a gubernatorial run in 2006 but wound up endorsing Amway* heir Dick DeVos, who lost despite spending a ridiculous amount of money. He then ran for Senate in 2008 against Carl “The Kindly Old Shoe Cobbler” Levin. The general reaction of people even in his old district was “who the fuck is this guy?” Levin won by over 1.5 million votes. He now is running against Fred Upton because he is not “conservative enough”. At Hoogendyk’s recent rally this week, he pulled out a compact fluorescent light bulb and declared it “representative of everything that is wrong with Washington.” You know, not corporate welfare, the widening gap of inequality, failed wars overseas, a crippling trade deficit, and manufacturing jobs going overseas. Nope, the problem was the government telling you what light bulbs to use. This man is crazy, but at least I know he’s human, which brings us to the other contender.
*If you have never heard of Amway before, bless you for your blissful ignorance.
In this corner, the incumbent: Fred “Waffles more than IHOP” Upton.
The first thing I should get out there is that if David Icke and others are correct about Reptilian theory, Upton is definitely one. He has represented my region for 25 years in the House of Reps. Back when I was brainwashed by my public school government class to “vote for the right person regardless of party” and had faith in American politics, I voted for him in 2004 because of his environmental record and he will go down as the only Republican I have ever voted for in my life (I don’t vote anymore) and I feel so dirty for it. He was a strong moderate who was heavily criticized by Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, the Tea Party, and others who gave him the nickname “Red Fred”, likening him to a communist. So he seems respectable, right? That’s why I voted for him over the rich asshole who ran against him. I met him in person and he seemed like a really nice, likable, intelligent person. Of course that’s what shapeshifting reptilians have mastered interpersonal skills from living among humans since the Sumerian era.
Since 2004, Rep Upton has sold his soul to the arch-conservative nutjobs who surround me. He went from being “Red Fred” the environmental champion to the LA Times naming him the #1 enemy of PLANET EARTH in Congress. He agrees with Hoogendyk on the light bulb issue and supports the XL pipeline even after a massive oil spill caused by a burst pipeline in his own district last year. In 2006, he proposed the “Video Game Decency Act” (no explanation needed) and voted in support of proposing the awful constitutional amendment banning gay marriage. Despite being derided for his stance on abortion by folks like Hoogendyk, Pro-Choice NARAL gave him a 0% approval rating. He also wasted a bunch of tax dollars when he spearheaded the witch hunt after Janet Jackson’s “wardrobe malfunction” and has been a horrible person in general for about a decade.
I could go on about how he went from being one of those “compromisers” in the house to being arch-conservative on EVERYTHING but probably only two people will ready this post. if you’re one of them you can get an idea about it here
Yet, he’s not conservative enough and Hoogendyk is running to the right of him, which will force Upton to turn even more conservative in order to save his seat. The reason why I accuse him of being a Reptilian is that I don’t like to think that an intelligent, principled human being would be so willing to sell out his values just to stay in office.
TL/DR: FUCK AMERICAN POLITICS FUCK CONSERVATISM BURN IT THE FUCK DOWN